At last, we arrive at the coda of the 2010-11 NHL season, the NHL Awards. The National Hockey League will spend the next few hours cringing at Jay Mohr jokes, staring at just what Steven Stamkos is wearing (I hope it’s another shiny suit from the Puff Daddy collection!), and wondering how they could have an awards ceremony without giving some hardware to Crosby or Ovechkin. Okay, maybe that’s just Gary Bettman — you’ll see him drowning his sorrows in fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them.
And, for the first time, I’ll be live-blogging it all, starting with the red carpet at 5pm ET/4pm CT! The 2011 NHL Network Awards Red Carpet will air on the NHL Network and on NHL.com. The NHL Awards will air on Versus starting at 7pm ET/6pm CT. (All times in the liveblog are listed in CT. Newest posts will be on top.)
So grab your drink and pull up a seat. It’s going to be a long night.
8:00 pm It’s all over but the drinking! Good night, everybody!
7:55 pm Final award of the year presented by Jason Swartzman and Jennifer Beals come out to present the last award — the Hart Memorial Trophy. And the winner is… Daniel Sed– wait, what, Corey Perry? Really? Wow, upset of the night! Corey Perry looks like Lindsay Funke does when she tries to express emotion.
7:53 pm The Plays Of The Year. I thought we saw this during the red carpet show earlier.
7:45 pm Jon Hamm is flawless, amazing, makes fun of Far East Movement. He promises to “campaign” for the Blues to get nominated for awards next year. And by “campaigning,” he means “drinking heavily.” Right there with you, Hamm! He’s presenting the Vezina Trophy. And the winner is… Tim Thomas, of course! He immediately pumps Luongo and Rinne’s tires before thanking the Bruins and his family. He then thanks his doctor for his hip surgery. And God.
7:42 pm Far East Movement. They have an “original” sound, which means a lot of Casio sounds and Auto-Tune. Kanye West would like to have a word with these guys.
7:40 pm Gary Bettman presents the NHL Foundation Award to Dustin Brown, who finally wins the award on his third try. He talks about Kaboom, which you can learn more about here.
7:34 pm Tim Thomas and Zdeno Chara come out with the Stanley Cup. Chara thanks the Canucks for a great season. Kesler’s face is blank as Chara speaks. Heh.
7:31 pm Mohr: “I said ‘Why-zerman,’ she says ‘Saint Loo-is’ — we’re even!” And now we’re doing a Pawn Stars skit with the Hanson Brothers. Why not?
7:27 pm Oh, God, who invited the Real Housewives to the awards show? …AVERY! They’re presenting the Lady Byng because no one cares about this award. And the winner is… Martin St. Louis, as I predicted. He immediately gets in a short joke and congratulates the Bruins. He then thanks his family and the Lightning organization.
7:23 pm The Top Goal of the Year is… Eberle’s first goal! Relive the magic here:
7:16 pm Jerry Bruckheimer comes out to present the King Clancy Memorial Trophy to Doug Weight. The US Army actually gives the trophy to Weight after climbing down from the rafters and stuff, which must be special for him. GO TEAM USA! Yes, I’m a gigantic homer for my country. I thought we all knew this.
7:15 pm Jay Mohr yells at Twitter because he said “Yzerman” wrong. Listen, Mohr, I’d just like to say that I totally would do a better job at this awards presenting thing than you.
7:12 pm Gary Bettman pauses to remember Harley Hotchkiss, who died earlier today at the age of 83. He’ll primarily be remembered for bringing the first Atlanta NHL team to Calgary.
7:08 pm Luc Robitaille comes out with David Henrie to present the Bill Masterton Trophy. Prepare your Kleenex, ladies and gentlemen.Â And the award goes to Ian Laperriere in an upset (most people thought Ray Emery was a lock for this one). He thanks Robitaille, the Flyers organization, and his family, all while not trying to cry.
7:05 pm The Ted Lindsay Award is given out by none other than Ted Lindsay! Also, some other dude no one really cares about because TED LINDSAY, guys! The award goes to… Daniel Sedin. The Canucks really did have a good regular season. He thanks his family. So I guess robots can procreate.
7:04 pm More jokes at the Oilers’ expense. What would a Jay Mohr Trophy be awarded for? Probably for making the most amount of people drink at one time to block out his annoying voice and unfunny jokes.
7:00 pm Corey Perry gets the Maurice Richard Award for scoring the most goals in the regular season. He was the only person to break the 50-goal mark this year. He mumbles his thank yous and then flies off the stage using his ears.
6:55 pm Craig Patrick comes out to present the GM Of The Year Award. And the winner is… Mike Gillis. I guess the NHL is going to be giving the Canucks a good portion of the awards tonight. Too bad that, with their great regular season, everyone will mostly remember how they lost the Stanley Cup to Tim Thomas.
6:50 pm The William M. Jennings Trophy goes to Luongo and Schneider, as mentioned before. Luongo looks greasy, Schneider looks… oh, that’s what he looks like. I never knew!
6:48 pm We will now find out who will be on the NHL 12 cover! And the cover boy is… Steven Stamkos! Well deserved, indeed. Thankfully, the cover won’t feature this odd, patchy beard he has right now.
6:43 pm George Strombolopolous and Jeremy Roenick are giving out the Calder Trophy. Jeff Skinner predictably wins the award, causing 15-year-old girls to experience their first spontaneous orgasm. He’s so awkward and precious as he gives his speech, though!
6:37 pm Donny Osmond gives out the Jack Adams Award. And the winner is… Dan Bylsma! He says “It’s not the dancing trophy…” After acknowledging his fellow nominees, he thanks the Penguins organization and his family. Classy gent all the way.
6:33 pm Ryan vs. Ryan Part Deux! Will it be as classic as last year’s Ryan vs. Ryan? Hula Hooping and then the scooter race ends in Corey Perry trolling Bobby. Oh, Ducks. Not quite as epic as last year, but still quite amusing. Will there be a Ryan vs. Ryan Part III?
6:27 pm Criss Angel is presenting the Douchebag Award — oh, wait, no, he won that one already. He’s actually awarding the Selke. He sounds like everyone who runs the Islanders. And the winner is… Ryan Kesler. He’s finally a bride! He thanks the Canucks, his family, and dear God, can someone find this man a comb? Anyway, you can’t spell “Kesler” without “Selke,” so congrats to him. Yes, I’m congratulating a Canuck. Shut up — he’s American, so I have to like him!
6:23 pm Dierks Bentley performs now. I have no idea who this is, but he’s dressed like a hockey player out on the town — plaid shirt, jeans, questionable hair.
6:17 pm The Art Ross goes to “one of the Sedins,” according to Mohr. “Let them sort it out.” Daniel Sedin comes up and spits out his programmed speech, because he’s a robot. Mark Messier presents –what else? — the Mark Messier Leadership Award to Zdeno Chara.
6:13 pm Kevin Smith and Cobie Smuthers are giving out the Norris. Kevin walks out in an Orr Bruins jersey. CobieÂ immediately mentions that she’s from Vancouver. Smith says something that got completely silenced, and then gets in a “What a riot.” The Norris Trophy goes to… Nicklas Lidstrom. He immediately congratulates the other two nominees and expresses relief that he was left out of the old man jokes. Mohr says that Lidstrom is a handsome man and that, if he were in jail, he could do worse than have Lidstrom as a cell mate. “I’d let him have the top bunk, I’d do his laundry…”
6:11 pm Jay Mohr defends Gary Bettman, and then gets in a Thrashers joke. Then says Winnipeg is excited about the running water. Well.
6:08 pm Oh, wow, this is so awkward. Slams on the Islanders, the Oilers, the city of Vancouver, and LeBron James. Mohr reminds us of funnier comics with terrible impressions of them.
6:00 pm Time to switch over to Versus and the actual awards ceremony. The opening is by “HBO Sports” — Jay Mohr 24/6 Road To The NHL Awards. It’s basically Mohr edited into “24/7 Road To The Winter Classic.” I’m chuckling despite myself. It’s soon ruined by the Jay Mohr monologue. I may get another drink.
5:51 pm It’s Jonathan Toews! And all the girls scream. I think he wants some of the Bruins guys to party with the Cup like Kane did. Oh, don’t worry, Toews — I’m sure Marchand has that well under control. He’s smirking, and I can hear the ovaries exploding. And then it’s Zdeno Chara, and the ovaries are suddenly not exploding anymore. The man is very tall, you guys.
5:46 pm Jon Hamm has a beard and is a Blues fan. Despite this, he’s still an attractive gentleman. He’ll be awarding the Vezina tonight.
5:41 pm Roberto Luongo and Corey Schneider, the winners of the Jennings Award, are up next. Is someone booing or Luu-ing in the background? Mark Messier is bald, still flawless. Ryan Kesler should just go bald if he’s not going to comb his hair properly.
5:34 pm OH MY GOD, IT’S TIM THOMAS! He still has his mustache. He didn’t know what to do with the Conn Smythe because it was too hard for him to watch the awards ceremonies from home. Dan Bylsma and Tim Thomas share a moment because they’re from Michigan, I think. Thomas says that he will be taking the Cup to Flint, Michigan this summer. Bylsma and Thomas are a classy duo. If Lidstrom was there, Las Vegas would collapse under the weight of their combined classiness.
5:31 pm Martin St. Louis is… Teeny Little Super Guy. He’s nominated for the Lady Byng because, as I’ve said before, he’s short, and no one picks on the short guy. His suit is the same suit he wore last year. Oh, hockey players. Then we have Disco Dan Bylsma, who is up for the Jack Adams because he lost a line and a half of players and still had to deal with Matt Cooke for a good portion of the year. Here’s hoping he busts a move on stage if he wins tonight.
5:27 pm David Henrie is from some show on Disney, I think. I’m old, okay? I don’t know these people! He says he would be a hockey player if he wasn’t an actor. Then we have Donny Osmond, which is so random. Maybe he’s here because he’s White And Nerdy like most hockey players? Oh, snap!
5:23 pm Corey Perry is up. He’s also a giant douche. Dammit, NHL Network. Ian Laperriere then talks about his post-concussion syndrome. “If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t play the sport.” His son has a matching haircut. Aww.
5:19 pm Criss Angel is up. He’s a giant douche. Moving on…
5:14 pm Dustin Brown is up now. He’s been nominated for the NHL Foundation Player Award three times now. He’s hoping the third time’s a charm. The Lidstrom clan is classy just like dear old Dad. Nik Lidstrom is looking forward to coming back to play in his 20th NHL season. There’s an awkward bit about asking the Lidstrom boys who their favorite NHL player is… besides their dad. They all say that they like Datsyuk. Let me pretend to be surprised.
5:08 pm Steven Stamkos is here in a… tan suit? With a blue shirt and a black tie. Oh, Steven. Maybe he’s trying to keep cool by wearing a lighter-colored suit?Â Shea Weber says that he had to shave his beard off in stages. He’s also towering over the hosts. Why is he so frightening?
5:07 pm David Poile joins us now. He’s also nominated for the GM of the Year for the same reason Barry Trotz is nominated for the Adams — duct tape and gum. And Shea Weber’s beard.
5:04 pm And the winner of the Seventeen Magazine Jeff Skinner NHL Awards Suit is… The Classic! Black suit, black tie. Very nice. I cannot deal with the sign right behind them. Look at his dimples! How precious is he, really? He’s totally precious. Like a puppy. Or a kitten. Or a basket full of puppies and kittens. With a bow on top.
4:58 pm Doug Weight is on now, talking about his amazing career. His wife looks beautiful in a pale yellow dress with gold trim. Doug doesn’t look too bad himself.
4:56 pm Barry Trotz is up now. He’s nominated for the Jack Adams Award because the Predators consistently makes the playoffs despite the fact that the team is kept together with duct tape and gum. He’s a Nickelback fan, because he’s Canadian.
4:54 pm Michael Grabner on now! All I can think of is his precious Twitter account. Follow him now at @grabs40! He thinks he should win the Calder because he scored more goals than the other two.
4:51 pm Jeff Skinner plays Ken doll, dressing up by Seventeen Magazine. Did you vote on his suit? I’m not going to lie — I totally voted.
4:49 pm Logan Couture’s hair looks like it melted in the 108-degree weather. He still looks like a caricature of Sidney Crosby. He planned to shave his beard, but forgot his razor. Also, his teeth are huge. Follow him at @Logancouture.
4:46 pm Mike Gillis is a 2011 GM of the Year finalist. He also has a Twitter. Go
harass say hello to him now at @GMMikeGillis! Gillis says he doesn’t regret the Ballard deal. Heh.
4:44 pm It’s the Far East Movement. Um. Am I too old to know who these guys are? Let me go get my cane and dentures. They look like they raided Michael Jackson’s estate sale.
4:42 pm Get inside, Jay Mohr. Please. It’s bad enough I have to suffer through you in a couple of hours.
4:39 pm I have now muted Jay Mohr. Please, if there is a kind and loving God, make him stop.
4:36 pm Oh, look, it’s Jay Mohr. God. Time to refill your drinks again, folks.
4:30 pm And here are your Selke Award nominees — Pavel Datsyuk,Â Ryan Kesler, and Jonathan Toews. Kesler is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, as he’s been nominated for three straight years now. Oh, look, it’s Toews — and he’s not wearing a pattern of some sort! Black suit, black tie. His mom must’ve dressed him. Toews is amazing, spectacular, flawless, etc. And Datsyuk is, uh, amazing, spectacular, flawless, etc. And dangles like a beast.
4:26 pm I think I saw Roberto Luongo with his impossibly hot wife. Proof that being a hockey player has some pull with the ladies? Most definitely. Because Luongo looks like Dracula.
4:20 pm And now we’re going to take a look back at the best plays of the year. Padding? What padding? Time to refill your cocktails, ladies and gentlemen.
4:15 pm The Calder Trophy finalists: Logan Couture, Michael Grabner, and Justin Bieber — er, Jeff Skinner. Couture is tough — which is hard to do for a chipmunk. Ladies Love Cool… Jeff? Grabner is a late-bloomer. Also, a roadrunner.
4:08 pm Your Norris Trophy finalists, for under-rock dwellers and newbies: Zdeno Chara, Nicklas Lidstrom, and Shea Weber. Chara is tall, guys! Did you know he’s tall? Because he’s really tall! Lidstrom is a gentlemen, which is because he’s played since the Victorian era. Why are we talking about Jon Hamm and Jay Mohr instead of Shea Weber? Oh, wait, here’s Weber. And the first thing they mention about him? His insane mountain beard from the playoffs. It was quite impressive. Weber will kill you with a slap shot, the end.
4:04 pm And here are your Hart Trophy finalists, if you’ve lived under a rock or are new: Corey Perry, Daniel Sedin, and Martin St. Louis. Roenick calls Daniel Sedin’s communication with his brother “dolphin-like.” So they communicate with clicks and echolocation? Probably. They call Perry a dick without saying he’s a dick, and St. Louis is, of course, Teeny Little Super Guy.
4:00 pm And we’re live on the NHL Network! Your hosts for this evening are Kevin Weekes, Jeremy Roenick, and… Random Brunette whose name I didn’t catch. And we’re joined by the newest member of the team, Random Blonde Girl! Hello, Random Blonde Girl!Â Heidi Something-Or-Other is stuck outside in the sun for the next two hours. Sorry, Heidi.