Breaking News: Jonathan Toews Likes Girls

I'd laugh at him, too, but for different reasons. Probably. (Photo:

Jonathan Toews was caught on camera during a Cubs game a couple of days ago, enjoying the company of a blonde who wasn’t Patrick Kane. Soon after, it came out that the young woman’s name is Gabrielle Velasquez (oh, wait, hold up. She’s a Latina like myself? Well, as they say, Mr. Toews — find out what brown can do for you. Mmm-hmm), and posted a few pictures of Ms. Velasquez.

Little girls everywhere lost their damn minds.

Now, if you came here, looking for insults and cattiness directed at this woman whom I don’t even know (because this is a female-driven site, and you know how them girls can get, amirite?)… you must be new. If you need your fill of slut-shaming and stranger-bashing, Tumblr is over that way. I save my insults for the players — kind of like this: Toews is covering up his giant forehead so that the shine from said forehead doesn’t reflect into Gabrielle’s eyes and blind her permanently.

I could not care less about who Toews chooses to date, so I just wish him and Gabrielle the best, whether it’s for forever… or a few hours. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

“But, Kat,” you might ask, “if you don’t care, why did you write this story?” Well, folks, there is one thing I care about — site hits. See, right now, somebody is typing in “jonathan toews girlfriend slut” into Google, and if all goes to plan, they should land on my site. This equals a site hit. Site hits eventually equal money. Money equals coffee. Coffee fuels this site, and the circle of life starts anew.

And it moves us all.


5 thoughts on “Breaking News: Jonathan Toews Likes Girls

  1. hahahaha

    Beautiful idea for a blog, and you are the number one site on google, props!

    I searched her because I spent time with Toews a few years back and wanted to creep on if he has a girlfriend now. How pathetic of me. Sadly I didn’t go to a cubs game…lol. I wonder if people would have had the same reaction about me? People seriously have to stop giving bad comments about someone they never met… I feel bad for her :(. All I have to say is I’m glad there’s no photo proof of me!

    1. Kat Velez Post author

      Well, if it makes you feel any better — she’s most likely not with him anymore, either? 😉

      People are so judgmental, and it’s sad. I save my judgment for the guys, because it’s funny. Haha.

      1. hahaha

        I tell myself that, haha. Plus if they were there would be a lot of publicity on it, I’m guessing his mormon parents didn’t approve.

        I’m happy to hear someone makes fun of the men, they don’t get enough harassment :)… thanks for making me laugh kat.


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