Jonathan Toews was caught on camera during a Cubs game a couple of days ago, enjoying the company of a blonde who wasn’t Patrick Kane. Soon after, it came out that the young woman’s name is Gabrielle Velasquez (oh, wait, hold up. She’s a Latina like myself? Well, as they say, Mr. Toews — find out what brown can do for you. Mmm-hmm), and 25stanley.com posted a few pictures of Ms. Velasquez.
Little girls everywhere lost their damn minds.
Now, if you came here, looking for insults and cattiness directed at this woman whom I don’t even know (because this is a female-driven site, and you know how them girls can get, amirite?)… you must be new. If you need your fill of slut-shaming and stranger-bashing, Tumblr is over that way. I save my insults for the players — kind of like this: Toews is covering up his giant forehead so that the shine from said forehead doesn’t reflect into Gabrielle’s eyes and blind her permanently.
I could not care less about who Toews chooses to date, so I just wish him and Gabrielle the best, whether it’s for forever… or a few hours. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
“But, Kat,” you might ask, “if you don’t care, why did you write this story?” Well, folks, there is one thing I care about — site hits. See, right now, somebody is typing in “jonathan toews girlfriend slut” into Google, and if all goes to plan, they should land on my site. This equals a site hit. Site hits eventually equal money. Money equals coffee. Coffee fuels this site, and the circle of life starts anew.