A week ago, this article nearly became “Five Reasons to Hate the Chicago Blackhawks” after they went down 3-1 in the their series with the Red Wings. Trust me — I actually attended game four in person at the Joe, and I was so despondent, I nearly wanted to live in Detroit. But alas, someone must have reminded the Hawks that if they’d lost the series they’d have to watch Chicago baseball (shudder). They did us all a favor to spare the city from that fate for another two weeks at least.
So the Kings, eh? Full disclosure — I rooted for LA to win once Mike Smith and his fugly hair dispatched the Hawks last playoffs. I mean, they torched both the Canucks and the Blues, and we were all extremely giddy and appreciative when that happened. When my rooting interest in sports have been eliminated, I typically will root for the underdog. And being the #8 seed, the Kings were one of the biggest underdogs to win it all, even if they really were the lesser team in ranking only.
But that was last year, and now the winner of the Western Conference Final will by default, become your next Stanley Cup Champion. Because, let’s be serious — the Eastern Conference is a fucking joke.
So, here are five reasons why you need to burn any warm fuzzies you had for the Kings and despise them:
1) Jeff Carter & Mike Richards
Remember these two guys when the Blackhawks played the Flyers in the Final in 2010? No? Think reallllly hard. Still nothing? Well, of course you don’t remember. Richards and Carter had 1G, 1A apiece in the six-game series. Probably the best highlight from one of them in the entire series was when Dan Carcillo knocked Carter on his ass. Too bad they were teammates at the time:
If the Hawks can keep Party McDrunkerton and Frosted Tips McGee at bay in this series, they’ll have a very good shot at taking it. Oh, and for the love of god, Carcillo best not be within a mile of the Hawks locker room for the duration of the series, either.
2) Jonathan Quick
Quick is a great goalie — they don’t hand out Conn Smythe awards like candy. Then again, they did award it to Claude Lemieux once. But as Quick goes, so will the Blackhawks. If he plays like the goaltender we saw in the season opener, Patrick Kane can use the Campbell Bowl as his personal barf bag in a couple weeks. If Quick continues playing as he has of late — well, it’s not impossible that the Hawks can win this series, but it will certainly be difficult. Having barely survived one seven-game series, I think my Caps Lock key will catch on fire by game three if this happens. So hate on Mr. Quick. Get a few voodoo dolls. Hopefully he’ll spring a leak like the Hoover Dam in the Superman movie — the Christopher Reeve one, not the shitty remakes.
3) Eric Cartman
You’re watching a Kings game on your TV. Everything is going smoothly. Suddenly, a sound makes every dog in a six-block radius whine, and the pictures come flying off the walls:
“GO KINGS GO! GO KINGS GO!”
Yes, it’s Eric Cartman from South Park trying to rouse the crowd at the Staples Center by screeching louder than any bird of prey seen since the era of the dinosaurs. Why is he there? Are LA fans so lackadaisical and bored that they need a fat cartoon character to tell them when to get excited? Shouldn’t he be cheering on the Avs since he lives in Colorado? I know that South Park Studios are in the LA area, but it DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
4) The Burger King Jersey
In 1996, the Kings wore the monstrosity you see above as their third jersey. It was never to be seen again after that season — except in our nightmares. It has been lovingly dubbed the “Burger King” jersey since you’d expect the name bars on the back to say HAVE IT YOUR WAY. It goes down with the “Cool Cat” Blues jersey and the Islanders’ fish sticks sweaters as one of the worst NHL jerseys of all time.
But besides the fact it’s just AWFUL, I’m also pissed that they don’t bring it back. Because, with a little tweaking, this jersey could be epically hilarious and great. If LA somehow brought the Burger King back as its third, I would so buy the shit out of one of them.
5) Jamie Kompon
Hey, we kept the receipt — you have to take him back, right, LA? Because GOD he sucks. Besides the fact he couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag, much less a marginally functional power play, he looks like a villain from an old Scooby-Doo mystery. Creepy McCreeperson — see?
Yeah, fuck this.