I think I speak for many Blackhawks fans when I state we were pulling for you in 2011. It was a no-brainer, really — you were not only playing the team for which we save our most vile hatred, but also the team that knocked us out in the first round. (Well, barely — the Canucks were an OT period away from one of the greatest choke-jobs in the NHL, but I digress.)
There were also little things that warmed our Midwestern hearts. The long Cup drought, not unlike the one the Hawks snapped the year prior. The All-American goalie, who, after a long struggle to make it to the NHL, was on the cusp of greatness.
But yeah, it was mostly your destruction of the Canucks that we enjoyed the most.
But when the warm glow of your Cup win faded (or maybe that was just downtown Vancouver), we all realized something.
You guys fucking suck.
Seriously, maybe we were clouded by the history of the dirty crap the Canucks seem to relish bringing out for the Hawks — but the Bruins are as big of a group of douchenozzles, if not bigger, than that team from BC. Oh, and your All-American Hero turned out to be a self-centered, right-wing shitbag. And, in keeping with Boston tradition, now that you had won your first Cup in 39 years, you thought it belonged to you by default.
I think not.
So, without further ado, here are your top five reasons to hate the team that stands in the way of witnessing another summer of drunk Blackhawks dancing on tables of the finest establishments in Chicago:
1) Jeremy Jacobs
It takes a lot to make the Wirtz family seem like an ownership that really cares about their fans. But I think even the most sensible Bruins fans (there are three) would enjoy nothing less than Jacobs being dumped off a duck boat into the Charles River.
Jacobs was reportedly one of the most hated people in the room during the lockout negotiations last year, and that’s saying something. Here’s a few choice quotes from JJ regarding the work stoppage:
“The players are going to get very rich under this transaction. They were very rich going into this. They passed up $700 million in payroll. That’s a lot. And I’m hopeful that it was fulfilling.” (Forbes ranks Jacobs as #634 in the list of the world’s billionaires)
“I wouldn’t give him credit for anything.” — on Donald Fehr
“You can’t outwork Gary. And for that, I’m very happy that he was there. This agreement would not have gotten done without Gary there.” — on everyone’s favorite, Gary Bettman
If you’re not sure that Jacobs is terrible, take a gander at this article.
Look, it’s a real-life Mr Burns!
If I have to witness Bettman honoring this cretin during a Cup presentation in the upcoming days, I’m going to be so angry I’m either going to have a chest-grabber, or my head will launch off my neck into the stratosphere — especially mere months after his actions nearly cancelled this season all together.
2) Boston Fans
Good Lord, are Boston sports fans an insufferable bunch, walking around like their shit doesn’t stink when they just clogged all the toilets in a six-mile radius.
You’ve got Red Sox fans, who at one point garnered some sympathy as the Cubs of the American League. Then they won two World Series, and they’ve become worse than the very thing they despise the most: Yankee fans.
There are Patriot fans (*cough*46-10*cough*), who think that a defensive lineman scratching his ass deserves a roughing the passer call against the precious Tom Brady. And they just signed Tim Tebow — won’t that be a shitshow?
Celtics fans? I hate basketball, but I’m sure they suck too.
And then there’s Bruins fans, convinced they’re the most storied franchise to ever play in any sport at any time. They think that their players get unfairly victimized and picked on, but cheer when a player is down on the ice with a broken back.
Oh, and they have the worst accents in this country — speak English, will ya? They make the Superfans look like the most eloquent of orators. If any of them ask where the “bubbla” is at the UC, make sure to send them to the Bubbly Creek for a nice cocktail of water infused with cow entrails.
3) Jaromir Jagr
I still haven’t forgiven you for helping to break my young heart 21 years ago. You actually dyed your beard for the Final? Nice try but, a) we all know you’re 117 years old and held together by Tyler Seguin’s hair gel, and b) it looks like shit.
4) The Goal Horn
It sounds like Claude Julien’s digestive system after eating clam chowder that’s been simmering in Brad Marchand’s jock strap. Zombie Nation? What, did someone’s “Best Techno Hits of 1999” CD get stuck in the sound system, and no one’s figured out where the eject button is? Keep trying, guys — you’ll get there someday.
5) The Third Jersey From 1995-2006
Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A tubby, little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
He’s Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A willy, nilly, silly old bear.
I’m surprised there weren’t hugfests and hot cocoa handed out on the ice when the Bruins wore this sweater. Sheesh.
Well, that about wraps things up. I hope you have enjoyed reading these little love posts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. Just remember, it’s all in good fun, and in the end we’ll all look on the city of Boston with some fondness and…
Fuck you, Boston.