Second Balcony Breakdown: Taking Out the Trash

Pictured: Toews dragging a trash bag behind him.

Pictured: Jonathan Toews dragging a trash bag behind him

Casey and I return to our Thursday schedule to bring you this rant-filled edition of Second Balcony Breakdown.

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Topics include:

  • Corey Crawford‘s injury, and why Casey doesn’t find it as funny as most people (but I still think it’s hilarious)
  • The Chicago Blackhawks won their game against the St. Louis Blues even though Antti Raanta still gives us fits because the Patrick KaneBrad RichardsKris Versteeg line is the best bargain in hockey right now.
  • Some other news around the league, such as:
    • Jean Beliveau died on Tuesday
    • A couple of quick notes about Ilya Bryzgalov working out with the Ducks and Daniel Alfredsson retiring an Ottawa Senator.
  • Hockey Trashboys: On Steve Lepore, Adrian Dater, and how to be an ally (or not be an ally, as it were). Not that we name any names (lol psych we totally name names).
  • Questions from the audience! Yes, we’re making this a regular feature on the podcast now, so please send us your questions to us via Twitter (linked below under the cut), my ask box on Tumblr, or on our brand-new email account:!
    • From Rachel: “Can you say 3 nice things (each) about the Blues?”
    • From a few people on Twitter: “Can you name the Blackhawks’ daemons?” (Casey takes the question exactly wrong — or exactly right, if you’re a computer geek.)
    • From a friend on Twitter: “Which NHL team do you think would be most likely to sign Hilary Knight for realsies? And follow-up question: which NHL player would she get into a fight with first?”
  • Jonathan Toews bought a house in Lincoln Park. We make fun of it because we can.
  • Someone answered our question from last week (“What kind of pet would Patrick Kane have, since he might be allergic to dogs?”) with a fanfic about Patrick Kane and a tortoise. We are presenting it under the cut, because you should read this and know that neither of us are this creative to write this. Also because I LOVE IT.

So, what pet would Patrick Kane have if he’s allergic to dogs?

Obvious starting point would be that infamous interview he gave about missing a practice or a game because his goldfish died and he was grieving. For this thought exercise let’s assume that P.Kane is not a great big lying bag of dicks and that goldfish existed. And that he does as he said, which is buying a tortoise.

(Editor’s Note: This is the interview referred to in said story.)

So, struck by horrible grief about his goldfish, Patrick Kane goes out and impulse buys a tortoise. Because unlike goldfish, tortoise get o l d! And they don’t die on you so you don’t sit there crying your eyes out about them. No, humans die before tortoises, which is really the point that tips it over into actually getting one.

Probably not at a petshop, because some sensible person would talk him down from anything like that. And if his allergies are anything like mine he leaves sneezing, rubbing his eyes and with a new rash.

Also, Kane seems like the person that would take a tortoise, put it in the seat besides him, maybe fasten a seat belt around that and drive home. No tortoise deserves that.
No, this tortoise is delivered by a helpful person that sets up a lot of stuff alongside. Water dish, lectures on what to feed, etc. Everything Patrick Kane didn’t think about when he impulse ordered the turtle at some online website. And then, she leaves Kaner with a very unresponsive turtle in a shell.

There’s probably some shell poking at first, seeing if the turtle reacts, but that turtle doesn’t do anything. Because this is complete fantasy, no hockey players, drunk of other wise, stick their fingers into the shell just to have them bitten off and spit out. There would be crying, from said bitten hockey players and from the fanbase, and it would be even worse than getting mumps. So no one does that.

Anyway, the turtle sits unsuspecting on the counter or the floor while Kaner is off grieving for his goldfish and playing games for like two weeks. She must eat when he’s away but doesn’t come out at any time someone is around.

Until one night, Kaner probably sitting by himself on the couch with a beer an watching tv, when the couch starts moving. “Uh, what.” he says and puts his beer down on the table. Takes a look around, until he spots her: behind the couch is an unfurled turtle pushing it slowly out of place. Kaner has possibly almost forgotten her, but she finally came around!

Then he remembers she’s pushing his couch. This cannot stand. There should be no random furniture movings and it needs to be said right now.

He gets himself into the mindset of a responsible pet owner and tells her in a stern tone: “No.”
The turtle hisses at him loudly.

A beautiful friendship is born.~~

Other things that would probably happen if Patrick Kane owned a turtle:

– regular shell cleanings with a toothbrush, bc it’s important and the turtle likes the texture of the bristles. Surprisingly, the turtle very much likes being petted on her shell

– furniture is always wandering, unless it is actively getting destroyed by sharp turtle bites. Good thing Kaner can afford this stuff.

– that fun time when Kaner gets Salmonella from handling his turtle and not washing his hands after!

And many more, until the both grow old and die together.

  • This week’s Line Cocktail is whatever is handy, really.
  • This week’s question: How did Corey Crawford really break his foot?
  • Follow us on Twitter! I’m at @RunsOnDuncan, and Casey is at @Raedances.

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